There have been a lot of incidents leading up to this complete lack of inspiration, but I believe the band Keane says it best "everything is changing, and I don't feel the same". That pretty much sums it up right now. Everyone is moving on with life, and I can't stop that from happening. It just feels like I am standing in the middle of a room while everyone I care about is leaving it in slow motion, and I am powerless to stop it from happening. And most of this "leaving" is in the form of things you are supposed to be really happy about, such as graduation or marriage. And while that's really great and exciting, it's also kind of the saddest time I have ever experienced. So I suppose that is why I have pretty much been watching Lena Dunham's show "Girls" on repeat for the last month.
After graduation, I just felt this void. It was not this crazy wonderful experience. I did not feel accomplished, I did not feel relieved. I felt horrified, and scared, and alone. I just stared at that piece of paper declaring me a Bachelor of Arts and all I could think of was the time... the time and money and work that went into that little piece of paper. A paper that did not even have my major on it. I don't know what I had expected, but I thought maybe it would have all the jobs that I had to work in order to get through college listed on there, or maybe all the sleepless nights somehow accounted for, or all the people who had helped me pull through it with their names listed, or all the pain I had gone through transferring and my trouble with the registrar and all of my personal relationships with people all written down there somewhere. But all it said was "Bachelor of Arts".
I guess I am writing this down because I am sure I am not the only person who has felt this way before. So hopefully if you are going through the same thing, you will be able to relate.
And hopefully I will find something real to write about soon.
